Don’t Judge Me, Google.

How did we do things before Google? No, this is a genuine question. Maybe, as a society, we “wondered” more? Who was that one guy in that movie where he had a baboon heart? (Answer: Christian Slater) I know I did it–survived on gaining knowledge through card catalogs and an encyclopedia set purchased at a garage sale. I am part of the Xennial generation- a micro-generation of those born between 1977 and 1983 that, trait-wise, doesn’t fit with either GenX or Millennials.  We grew up analog and were the first generation to get computers in our houses “as kids”. We are the generation adept in both worlds. 

I say all this because I find myself Googling EVERYTHING. I am in the infamous and dreaded TWW. 

Every community has their own lingo recognizable only to those who are a part of it. The infertility, or TTC*,  community is no different. I don’t remember online support groups through Facebook being “a thing” the last two times we went through all of this. Maybe they were and I was trying too hard just to handle it all on my own. This time, I am embracing everything throughout this entire process. I am talking about it, writing about it, and accepting help and support. When I joined these online groups, I felt like they were speaking a different language. These ladies conversed almost entirely with acronyms and colloquial slangs which left me Googling every other word in an attempt to translate. At first, I thought that these people must be “more infertile” than me. They’re knee-deep in it, and they know how to talk the talk. I didn’t. 

I’m a quick learner, though. I found charts of the acronyms, read them repeatedly, and kept them for reference. I now can read the posts without assistance and I realize that infertility, though different for everyone, is not measured on a Richter scale. We’re all stuck in the same bucket of suck together. 

Have you figured out what the TWW is yet? No? Let me help you out. The TWW is the Two Week Wait. Among those in the TTC community, this is basically purgatory. During this part of each round, there is nothing to do but wait. There is nothing scientifically proven that I can do to increase chances of conception. Nothing. I am, admittedly, a bit of a control freak, and this is a tough pill to swallow. 

Shouldn’t that be easier, Stephanie? You’re not having to chart and graph every spike in temperature, dose of medication, and BD*. First of all, tell that to my mind. Second of all, look at you using the lingo already. You’re obviously a quick learner too. 

I would be embarrassed to show you my Google search history, but let me just give you a small sampling of the types of things I have Googled this week:

• What are the earliest signs of pregnancy?
• Can the sniffles be an early sign of pregnancy?
• Does constipation post ovulation mean I’m pregnant?
• Are vivid dreams a sign of pregnancy?

And those are just some of the least embarrassing things I have Googled. 

I know all I can do is wait. Think positive thoughts. Continue with my life and don’t stress. I am no Hallmark card though, and I am never not thinking about it. And while I’m not stressed, per se, I am anxious. I am wondering how two weeks could possibly be passing this slowly. But I am also relishing this time that I can be positive and hopeful. Those moments are hard to come by. In the meantime, I am crossing every finger and hoping every hope for a BFP* while trying to prepare my heart for another BFN*. 

Key:
*TTC: Trying to Conceive
*TWW: Two Week Wait
*BD: “Baby Dance”…also used to mean “Baby Dust” when wishing someone good luck
*BFP: Big Fat Positive
*BFN: Big Fat Negative

(twelve. four. twenty twenty-one.)