Sometimes I know exactly what I want to say, and sometimes I stare at a blank document and type and delete 47 different opening sentences because nothing sounds right. At this exact moment, my blog is sitting at 618 views. I can barely comprehend that number. I’ve said before, this whole thing started as something I didn’t really intend to share. As I wrote my second entry, a small part of me started thinking that it could be something big. I don’t mean “big” as in reaching a lot of people; but rather reaching some people in “big” ways. I think my tiny piece of the internet is doing a little of both. There are so many people following my story now, and when I say I can feel you in my corner, I mean it.
Infertility is damn lonely. It makes you feel stuck in time, like that Christmas snow globe that you unbox every holiday season. You give it a shake and watch plastic snowflakes rise and fall over the same scene–year after year. In the beginning, you watch your friends and (close-in-age) family members begin families of their own. For a while, you tell yourself: There’s still time for me. If I have a baby in a year or two, our kids can grow up together. You stomach the baby showers. You listen to all the woes of pregnancy with a sympathetic look on your face. You convince yourself there’s still time.
Then time, being the cold-hearted bitch that she is, keeps going without looking back. Not even for a second does she bother to glance in her rearview mirror. So, you peer out of your frozen-in-time snow globe and keep telling yourself there’s still time; just maybe with a little less confidence now. With plastic snowflakes on your eyelashes you fake a thousand smiles. Then, the generation behind you starts having babies and you can’t attend a baby shower without triggering a full blown panic attack, and you find yourself begging to be put back in the box of Christmas decorations and stored in the attic.
I tell you this story, though, to say thank you. Thank you for making it less lonely. Thank you for every kind comment and word of support. I could not do this alone.
So, just a little update for those that are interested: today was the last day of the fertility drugs for round two. It was a much stronger dose and taken earlier in my cycle. So now I wait, stomach the side effects, and continue to monitor and test and cross every finger on my hand that it actually triggers ovulation this time. I tested too early last cycle and the false positives did a number on my spirt. This time I am being patient. You see, in addition to all the testing, there’s also a lot of waiting in infertility.
Once again, thank you for reading my words. And thank you for shaking my snow globe and reminding me how beautiful the snowflakes can actually be.
(eleven. seventeen. twenty twenty-one)
Making Babies (and other things I'm bad at) 